Keeping it together

Well, I got a beta done again yesterday, it was 3090. Not a good jump from Friday's of 1694. It didn't even double. I just don't know what to think. My doctor's office doesn't open up until 9:00 so I have to wait another hour or so before I can begin stalking them. I'm on unfamiliar ground here. My beta's with our last two miscarriages that lasted eight weeks always more than doubled like they were supposed to. With the chemical pregancies none of them even made it past 1000 and with the ectopic I was in pain the whole time and new that something was happening. The beta's with that one didn't make it past 733. What the heck is happening? I'm really on the verge (?) of breaking down but I just don't know what to make of it all. I really don't think this is an ectopic because I have no pain on either side of my stomach, so hopefully that's not it. It could possibly be I suppose that there were two in there and one died or it could just mean the impending doom that I believe I'm facing yet again for the sixth time. I hope they go ahead and just order and ultrasound for today so atleast we can rule out ectopic. And I hope they order another beta even though I'm not supposed to test again until Thursday. I'm already planning my next move because if I dwell on this too long, I'll lose it. Donor eggs keep popping into my head. This sucks.

Beta at 18 dpo

My beta yesterday was at a 1694. A good jump from four days previous of 349. I thought it would have went higher but it more than doubled, so again, no complaints. It's hard for me to think that this pregnancy is the one that's going to make it. I know I shouldn't be negative and that I should have positive thoughts but I had those thoughts the many times before and it never worked so I guess I can't blame myself for being so discouraged. I pray that it does stick and in eight months we get the baby we've always wanted but I am constantly plagued with feelings of defeat and discouragement. This pregnancy is slightly different from the rest so maybe, just maybe it will work. This is our first pregnancy with an RE and the help of fertility meds. I have been taking a low dose aspirin and folic acid every day for over six months now. I am taking in at least 60 or more ounces of fluids every day with this pregnancy. (which is a lot from me because usually I'm hard pressed to get 20 ounces of anything in me). And, I'm taking progesterone supplements since we found out we were preggers. I hope all of these things combined with the power of prayer do the trick.

Beta is on the Rise

Got my blood drawn again yesterday and my beta is a 349 on 14 dpo. That's excellent. It went from 15 9dpo to 67 11dpo to 349 14 dpo. But alas, the rising beta's aren't my problem. But, it's a good sign so I can't complain really. Saturday my husband and I were playing on our Wii (by the way, so much fun. we got it because it's so interactive) and after a couple of hours of playing we shut it off and Deliver Me was what was on the tv channel. I don't normally watch this show and as we were about to turn it there was a woman on there who said, "well, the sixth time was the charm." That was the title of my last post. So as I'm watching they went through her history and get this, she has had five previous losses which include one ectopic pregnancy. Umm, is this a sign because if I didn't know any better I would have thought that was my history on the tv screen they were talking about. Well, that episode actually gave me some encouragement, to never lose hope. We have a 26 day ultrasound scheduled for the 19th. I hope these weeks fly and take me effortlessly through the first trimester.

Sixth time the charm???

Well, I'm pregnant. Call me crazy, but I've been taking a cheap dollar store pregnancy test since we triggered on the 22nd simply to watch the pregnancy line go from darker to lighter as the hormones from the shot escaped my system. The line was completely gone for one day and then the came back and proceeded to get darker the next days that I took them. I took all these tests because if, in fact, we did get pregnant this cycle I wanted to make sure that when I took a HPT that it was because I was actually pregnant and not leftover hormones. I called my doctor's office 9dpo and requested a beta. They didn't have me scheduled for one until this Monday the 7th but they let me test anyway. My beta was a 15 and progesterone 39.6. It still didn't sink in and we tested again today. Beta was a 67 at 11dpo. It quadrupled. We are still scheduled to get another beta on Monday. Let me recap on our journey thus far.

2002 - Ectopic pregnancy (my first struggle, only a glimpse of the future to come). Laproscopy with D&C.

August 2006 - Got married to my wonderful husband

November 2006 - Went off BCP

January 2007 - started TTC

February 2007 - BFP

March 2007 - Miscarriage at 8 weeks. Had several ultrasounds and beta tests before hand and saw a hearbeat and had good beta numbers the whole way. I was so very sick the whole short-lived pregnancy. I was throwing up at least three times a day and never once considered miscarriage as a possibility. Boy was I wrong. Had a D&C and was told to start trying again in three months.

August 2007 - BFP. First Beta 150. 2nd Beta two days later 233. Not a good sign. Ultrasound shows nothing, next beta numbers drop. Chemical pregnancy.

October 2007 - Had an HSG. Everything looks normal even my right tube where the ectopic occured. (and just a little side note, that whole procedure for me was excrutiatingly painful, thank goodness we only had to do it once).

January 2008 - BFP again. Had beta's done every Tuesday and Thursday since we found out. Numbers rose beautifully. At six weeks had an ultrasound and showed a heartbeat. Is history repeating itself??? Continued to have betas twice weekly. At the eigth week the numbers decreased. Ultrasound detects no heartbeat. Really??? Again??? Had yet another D&C. Heartbroken and discouraged we waited a few cycles and tried again.

March 2008 - Had a gigantic work up for every blood and chromosomal disorder under the sun and everything comes back normal.

May 2008 - Meet with RE. Says we just have bad luck and instructs me to begin taking a low dose aspirin and folic acid every day. I already started the aspirin, sometimes I think I should have been a doctor.

August 2008 - BFP, yes, again. First beta 26, second beta 24. Chemical Pregnancy.

August 2008 - RE says we're not doing this on our own again. He's going to give us some help.

September 2008 - Started first cycle of stims. BFN

October 2008 - Cancelled cycle due to cysts.

November 2008 - Took stims again. IUI on November 24th.

December 2008 - Pregnant.

So as I sit here typing, truly pregnant, I am overwhelmed with sadness. This should be a happy time right? I have learned to not let myself get excited because with every pregnancy has come heartache but we just can't give up. Five times I have been pregnant before and five times I have been left empty and broken. Please do not misunderstand me, I am not sad that I am pregnant, I am sad to what this pregnancy might lead to, another failed attempt to make me whole. So, please do not just yet congratulate me, but pray for me and my husband to carry this little one to term.

I will update more on Monday after our third beta. Thank you all so much for your support. Just knowing that you read my blogs gives me so much encouragement. Pray. Pray. Pray.

IUI and 2ww

Well, we had our IUI on Monday and now we're on to the two weeks wait. I have got to say that the IUI was a complete waste of time, but I hope it works. We got an IUI because the semen analysis my husband had a while back was low so the doc said an IUI would help our chances a little bit more than, you know, doing things the old fashioned way. Well, before the IUI the doc read us our results from the sample my husband not so graciously gave them, and it was off the charts! His results we so good the doc said that it wasn't necessary that we get the insemination but seeing as how I was already on the table half undressed and feet in stirrups, we went ahead with the appointment anyway. This doc was not my usual RE so it was nice to hear another opinion about our situation. He basically said the same thing my RE said, but emphasized that he believes it's the quality of my eggs that's holding us back from carrying a child to term. So he said, if this doesn't work this time, we're gonna overload me on the stims and get a good three to four eggs out of me. The last two cycles I've only have one good egg. One!?! Really?!? All those meds and I come out no better than I would on my own. And whilst searching the internet as I so frequently do, I read that a high protein diet helps eggs grow better. So, not only will we increase the stims next time but I will be loading up on anything that's high in protein. Hey, whatever works right?

Finally Cycle #2 is Underway!!!!

Had and ultrasound today and it showed no cysts! Thank the Lord!!! I was so concerned that those little slimeballs were still going to be there, but they weren't. Instead they were replaced with three nice looking follicles. So tonight we get to start the shots again. I never thought I would be happy to get stuck with a needle, but hey, the older I get and the more intertwined we are with this infertility stuff, happiness has a whole new meaning. I go to the doc on Wednesday to see if the stims are working as they should and we'll go from there. We're going to get an IUI this time, husband's not so happy about that but whether he's happy or not, we're getting it done. He gets a little, well, let's say gun shy, with things like that. I have a better outlook on this cycle. I'm hoping the doctor lets me go a little longer before we take the trigger shot. The more mature those eggs get the better right???

BFN

So, my husband and I tried this month on our own as instructed and given our past history, I thought for sure we'd get pregnant this time. Well, my boobs got really sore and I was pretty tired so I decided to call my dr.'s office and request that I get my beta tested. Yep, BFN. Really??? You know, it all makes sense. Every time I think I am, I'm not, every time I think I'm not I am. I should have known. Silly me. Guess we'll try again next time. Hopefully those ridiculous cysts have disappeared and we can get more stims. We'll see.