Wednesday, October 1, 2008


This is the second time I have stumbled on this site and I have found myself unable to stop reading. It comforts me to know that many, many people struggle with infertility and that my husband and I are not the only ones. I not only feel comforted by reading these very real experiences that you all have been through, but I feel so completely sad too. I struggle every day with feelings of impending doom that I may never carry a child to term and that my husband and I will not be able to experience the joy and bliss of parenthood one day. The road to happiness is sure a rocky one and I hope and pray that God soon paves our way on this rocky road and blesses and our lives with a sweet baby.

Let me fill you in on our past two years of trials and tribulations. Well, first let me date back to six years ago when I got pregnant for the first time. I was in a somewhat stable relationship and found myself one month with such an overwhelming feeling that I was pregnant, (couldn't have been the extrememly sore boobs or the completely non-existent appetite). So, I took a HPT and sure enough, my supsicions were confirmed, pregnant. As this was not planned, I was, well let's say, not overly excited. The scaredness the anxiousness that I felt came and went as quickly as it happened. I found myself spotting and having severe stomach pains and wound up in the emergency room getting prepped for surgery to remove the ectopic pregnancy I was enduring. (yes, it is painful). This first pregnancy for me was a true testament that God is completely in control of our lives and truly does give us blessings in disguise. Even though the pregnancy was short-lived I was still saddened by the outcome. But if it weren't for the "blessing" that God gave to me that year, I wouldn't be where or who I am today without it.

I got married four years after that to, I swear, the best man I could have ever dreamed of. After all our newlywed bliss, we were quick to ditch the birth control and get started growing our family. Little did we know this would be, and still is a long and difficult road. We got pregnant just 2 months after trying and were so very excited. That month I didn't have the feeling of being pregnant but distinctly remember being super emotional. I was on my way home from work the day we found out and BOOM!, a teenage kid, backing out of his driveway, hit the side of my car sending me flying and landing in his yard. I was sobbing like a maniac, as it was the first time I had ever been in any kind of accident. I went to the hospital just to make sure I wasn't injured and they were getting ready to do an x-ray and asked if there was any chance that I might be pregnant, and I said "well, I guess so but I'm pretty sure I'm not." Well, I was way off on this one because I definitely was pregnant! I stayed the night in the hospital and got two ultrasounds the short time I was there and it was confirmed, I had a small sac implanted in my uterus. Everything looked perfect and we were more than excited. Once you have an ectopic pregnancy the chance of that re-occuring is high, so once the doc confirmed that it wasn't happening again, I had no reason not to get excited. Miscarriage had not even crossed my mind and I thought the next eight months were going to be smooth sailing except for the terrible all day sickness I was experiencing. Wrong. Exactly on the eighth week of my pregnancy we got an ultrasound confirming that there was no longer a heartbeat to the fetus that we were trying so hard to grow in my belly. I was dumbfounded. Completely heartbroken and dumbfounded. This started my quest to learning as much as I could about miscarriages and the treatment (if any for them).

After we picked up the pieces of our hearts we tried again and again and again. I had another miscarriage at four weeks several months after the first, then another miscarriage at eight weeks another several months after the second and then yet, another miscarriage just one month ago at four weeks. I have experienced more pregnancies in the last year than some women get to in there whole child-bearing years. The two times the pregnancy made it to the eight week mark we saw and heard very strong heartbeats each time, so even though in all my research when it says that "after a hearbeat is detected, the risk for miscarriage it significantly lowered", it truly doesn't mean that miscarriage can't and won't happen. After this last miscarriage I simply said, "THAT'S IT!". I can't do this anymore. I have had 5 pregnancies total, one ectopic and four miscarriages, two resulting in a D&C and one with laproscopy. We consulted with a RE and after a complete battery of tests on both my husband and I, we have found NOTHING. My RE decided to start me on hormone therapy in the hopes that perhaps by eggs weren't strong enough to sustain a pregnancy that he could help me to grow some super strong ones. That's where we are today, awaiting pregnancy #6. After reading all of these blogs I really don't know what's worse, not being able to get pregnant at all, or being able to get pregnant but not able to carry the pregnancy. Either way, it is the most gut-wrenching, awful experience that we as women should not have to ever have to go through and no matter how much a person can sympathize with you, unless they have walked a mile in your shoes and have experienced everything down to the last bitter detail that you have, they will never truly know how utterly devasting the path of infertility is. So, to every women experiencing fertility, explained or unexplained, there is nothing we can do but pray to the good Lord that he answers our prayers and grants us the sheer joy and pleasure of becoming parents.

Stay tuned, I'll keep you posted on our progress.

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