Monday, December 29, 2008

7 weeks

So, I had another ultrasound today and so far so good. I'm measuring at 7 weeks, there about the doc says, and the heartbeat was 130. He said that he has seen many many cases and I'm text book. Everything looks perfect and as he called it, he said that we have a "take home baby". He said he would be shocked if we miscarried. I hope he's right. We've seen this all before so I hope the fertility meds, progesterone supplements and the low dose aspirin I've been taking so diligently did the trick. I hope. I pray. Please God keep the good news coming, we've tried so hard. I just commented on someone's post and I suggested to take things just one day at a time, I really should practice what I preach huh? We have another ultrasound scheduled for next Thursday. By that time we will have passed a gigantic milestone for us. So keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Monday, December 22, 2008

5 weeks 5 days

That's how far along I am, so the doc says. We had our first ultrasound today and all is well, for now. We saw a sac and saw a heartbeat. It was way too early to actually measure the heart rate. I have another u/s scheduled for next Monday and then the Monday after that. My doc said initially that our next u/s would be two weeks from now and I kind of looked at him like, really??? And then he said, "well, if you would feel better, we can do another one next week." I took him up on that offer. I don't know why, I know that there's nothing we can do if this pregnancy decided to go belly up, but call me crazy, I feel better if I'm under as much monitoring as they will give me. There were also two rather large cysts on my left ovary as well. I don't believe the doc measured them, so they must not have been of any concern to him. I have read before that if a cyst burst while pregnant that it could cause you to miscarry. Damn Internet, I should really stop reading all this stuff. I am still not at ease about this pregnancy, we've seen a sac and seen a heartbeat what seems like so many times before. We got good news today and I am truly thankful for that. I just pray that this little heart keeps beating past the eight week hump we can never seem to jump and all the way into labor and delivery. Oh and a sweet little side note, our projected due date is my wedding anniversary, August 19th.

Friday, December 19, 2008

U/S scheduled for Monday

Well, as predicted, there was a huge snow and ice storm here last night into this morning and the roads were treacherous. We did not make it to our ultrasound appointment today. I was a little disappointed but this u/s was just to determine that this pregnancy was not ectopic, which I'm positive it's not. So, they rescheduled me for this Monday and by then too we should be able to see a heartbeat. I've included a pic of what our cars looked like this morning, they were caked with ice and still are. We haven't yet got to park in our garage because we've been working on our remodel and the garage is packed full of all sorts of stuff that was once inside the house. So that sucked but hopefully we'll be able to park in there soon because winter is definitely here.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

A little breathing room

Well, I went and got another beta today and my numbers were 7513. I read the results and cried. Cried because I fully expected them to be bad. Cried because for a tiny little moment I felt better. I am in no way shape or form out of the woods but for the rest of this week I can rest a little easier knowing that I had a good increase in hormones. It is so hard on me to continue to get a beta twice a week but I do this because for some reason, I just can't stop doing it. Doesn't make much sense huh? I cannot change whatever the outcome of this pregnancy will be, but that doesn't stop me for obsessing over every little thing about it. I believe this happens only to us infertiles. Normal women who have had no problem conceiving or carrying a child, I believe, don't worry like we do. A smart person once said, "Worrying is like a rocking chair, it will give you something to do but it won't get you anywhere." Don't know who said it but they were so right. We have an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow but we might not make it there. Were supposed to get a really bad storm tonight and we live an hour away from my RE's office. We'll see.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

A little peace of mind

I just spoke to the nurse at my doctor's office and she said right away that my numbers looked good and immediately I interjected and said, "Are you sure?". "Are you looking at the right numbers???". She said they almost doubled and they had a decent jump from the last beta so she said, no, she wasn't concerned. And I asked about ectopic and she said they don't see ectopic pregnancies with a high progesterone (39.6) that I had when we first tested. So, I said "ok, if you're not concerned then I'm not concerned." A complete and blaintant lie, but I do feel slightly, and I mean slightly, better. I am still preparing for the worst as I always do and I still can't help but feel that the worst is yet to come but have not completely given up all hope just yet. Almost, but not just yet. Thank you for you kind words of encouragement. It really helps me so much. It makes tough times a little easier to get through.

Keeping it together

Well, I got a beta done again yesterday, it was 3090. Not a good jump from Friday's of 1694. It didn't even double. I just don't know what to think. My doctor's office doesn't open up until 9:00 so I have to wait another hour or so before I can begin stalking them. I'm on unfamiliar ground here. My beta's with our last two miscarriages that lasted eight weeks always more than doubled like they were supposed to. With the chemical pregancies none of them even made it past 1000 and with the ectopic I was in pain the whole time and new that something was happening. The beta's with that one didn't make it past 733. What the heck is happening? I'm really on the verge (?) of breaking down but I just don't know what to make of it all. I really don't think this is an ectopic because I have no pain on either side of my stomach, so hopefully that's not it. It could possibly be I suppose that there were two in there and one died or it could just mean the impending doom that I believe I'm facing yet again for the sixth time. I hope they go ahead and just order and ultrasound for today so atleast we can rule out ectopic. And I hope they order another beta even though I'm not supposed to test again until Thursday. I'm already planning my next move because if I dwell on this too long, I'll lose it. Donor eggs keep popping into my head. This sucks.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Beta at 18 dpo

My beta yesterday was at a 1694. A good jump from four days previous of 349. I thought it would have went higher but it more than doubled, so again, no complaints. It's hard for me to think that this pregnancy is the one that's going to make it. I know I shouldn't be negative and that I should have positive thoughts but I had those thoughts the many times before and it never worked so I guess I can't blame myself for being so discouraged. I pray that it does stick and in eight months we get the baby we've always wanted but I am constantly plagued with feelings of defeat and discouragement. This pregnancy is slightly different from the rest so maybe, just maybe it will work. This is our first pregnancy with an RE and the help of fertility meds. I have been taking a low dose aspirin and folic acid every day for over six months now. I am taking in at least 60 or more ounces of fluids every day with this pregnancy. (which is a lot from me because usually I'm hard pressed to get 20 ounces of anything in me). And, I'm taking progesterone supplements since we found out we were preggers. I hope all of these things combined with the power of prayer do the trick.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Beta is on the Rise

Got my blood drawn again yesterday and my beta is a 349 on 14 dpo. That's excellent. It went from 15 9dpo to 67 11dpo to 349 14 dpo. But alas, the rising beta's aren't my problem. But, it's a good sign so I can't complain really. Saturday my husband and I were playing on our Wii (by the way, so much fun. we got it because it's so interactive) and after a couple of hours of playing we shut it off and Deliver Me was what was on the tv channel. I don't normally watch this show and as we were about to turn it there was a woman on there who said, "well, the sixth time was the charm." That was the title of my last post. So as I'm watching they went through her history and get this, she has had five previous losses which include one ectopic pregnancy. Umm, is this a sign because if I didn't know any better I would have thought that was my history on the tv screen they were talking about. Well, that episode actually gave me some encouragement, to never lose hope. We have a 26 day ultrasound scheduled for the 19th. I hope these weeks fly and take me effortlessly through the first trimester.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Sixth time the charm???

Well, I'm pregnant. Call me crazy, but I've been taking a cheap dollar store pregnancy test since we triggered on the 22nd simply to watch the pregnancy line go from darker to lighter as the hormones from the shot escaped my system. The line was completely gone for one day and then the came back and proceeded to get darker the next days that I took them. I took all these tests because if, in fact, we did get pregnant this cycle I wanted to make sure that when I took a HPT that it was because I was actually pregnant and not leftover hormones. I called my doctor's office 9dpo and requested a beta. They didn't have me scheduled for one until this Monday the 7th but they let me test anyway. My beta was a 15 and progesterone 39.6. It still didn't sink in and we tested again today. Beta was a 67 at 11dpo. It quadrupled. We are still scheduled to get another beta on Monday. Let me recap on our journey thus far.

2002 - Ectopic pregnancy (my first struggle, only a glimpse of the future to come). Laproscopy with D&C.

August 2006 - Got married to my wonderful husband

November 2006 - Went off BCP

January 2007 - started TTC

February 2007 - BFP

March 2007 - Miscarriage at 8 weeks. Had several ultrasounds and beta tests before hand and saw a hearbeat and had good beta numbers the whole way. I was so very sick the whole short-lived pregnancy. I was throwing up at least three times a day and never once considered miscarriage as a possibility. Boy was I wrong. Had a D&C and was told to start trying again in three months.

August 2007 - BFP. First Beta 150. 2nd Beta two days later 233. Not a good sign. Ultrasound shows nothing, next beta numbers drop. Chemical pregnancy.

October 2007 - Had an HSG. Everything looks normal even my right tube where the ectopic occured. (and just a little side note, that whole procedure for me was excrutiatingly painful, thank goodness we only had to do it once).

January 2008 - BFP again. Had beta's done every Tuesday and Thursday since we found out. Numbers rose beautifully. At six weeks had an ultrasound and showed a heartbeat. Is history repeating itself??? Continued to have betas twice weekly. At the eigth week the numbers decreased. Ultrasound detects no heartbeat. Really??? Again??? Had yet another D&C. Heartbroken and discouraged we waited a few cycles and tried again.

March 2008 - Had a gigantic work up for every blood and chromosomal disorder under the sun and everything comes back normal.

May 2008 - Meet with RE. Says we just have bad luck and instructs me to begin taking a low dose aspirin and folic acid every day. I already started the aspirin, sometimes I think I should have been a doctor.

August 2008 - BFP, yes, again. First beta 26, second beta 24. Chemical Pregnancy.

August 2008 - RE says we're not doing this on our own again. He's going to give us some help.

September 2008 - Started first cycle of stims. BFN

October 2008 - Cancelled cycle due to cysts.

November 2008 - Took stims again. IUI on November 24th.

December 2008 - Pregnant.

So as I sit here typing, truly pregnant, I am overwhelmed with sadness. This should be a happy time right? I have learned to not let myself get excited because with every pregnancy has come heartache but we just can't give up. Five times I have been pregnant before and five times I have been left empty and broken. Please do not misunderstand me, I am not sad that I am pregnant, I am sad to what this pregnancy might lead to, another failed attempt to make me whole. So, please do not just yet congratulate me, but pray for me and my husband to carry this little one to term.

I will update more on Monday after our third beta. Thank you all so much for your support. Just knowing that you read my blogs gives me so much encouragement. Pray. Pray. Pray.