Cysts, really???

Well, I didn't expect this one and I don't know why not, but I had an ultrasound done on Friday of last week to get a baseline for my follicle size and how many and all that good jazz and instead of finding follicles they found three large cysts. Two on the right and one on the left. This did not even cross my mind that cysts are a huge possibility, especially when taking stimulants. So, be that as it may, I have to sit this cycle out, however, the nurse said to "try" on our own because I have residual medicine left in my system. So, I guess we'll try but I don't know what good it's going to do. I need stronger eggs and can't get that without the meds so I don't know why we're going to try this month but I guess we are. It all goes back to praying that God let's the next pregnancy to come make it full term. Please God, please. My nerves are frazzled and my heart keeps breaking into a million pieces. I can't take much more.

On to cycle #2

Well, the first rounds of meds didn't work. The evil wench known as Aunt Flo came right on schedule and completely, excuse my french, pissed me off for the whole day. I was so angry and sad all together. It was a terrible day. I really have to say I was completely shocked that it came because I thought we would have got pregnant on our first try. What the heck??? Did I really think it was going to work like that? Apparently so. Well now on to cycle number two. I have an ultrasound tomorrow and start the meds again that day too. Also I asked my doc about testing the level of my natural killer cells? anyone heard of them? apparently not so common because my doctor didn't know what I was talking about. Either way, I hope he does some research and orders the test. I'm just grabbing at straws probably but it never hurts to try. Well, here we go again, I thought i was ready for the long haul through all this but with every blow it just knocks me down again.

2 days past trigger shot

So, my boobs are hurting from the trigger shot that I got the other day and have had some pretty decent cramps due to the impending ovulation I'm sure, other than that, can't complain. I've decided to take an inexpensive pregnancy test each day so I can notice the decline in the pregnancy hormone, that way, if I do become pregnant this month, I'll know and not just think that it's the hormone left in me from the trigger shot. Crazy, a little, but I think you become a little crazy when you deal with all this infertility stuff. I tell you, if I could draw my own blood and have my own medical lab, I'd be running all sorts of tests all the time. Maybe I missed my calling???

Trigger Shot

Well, got my trigger shot yesterday and took an ovulation test and sure enough, it shows that i'm ovulating, (well I will sometime in the next 36 - 48 hours, so says the test). As ovulation has not been an issue with us, I'm sure that these eggs that I've been so diligently growing will release soon enough. Now whether we can fertilize these eggs is another story. The shot wasn't too bad, I was very concerned because I had heard that it hurt to get by many people, but I guess everyone's different. And really, was I that concerned about it hurting??? If I really was than I shouldn't have been because I've been proked and prodded so much that a little needle isn't going to break me. I guess now all we have to do is wait and see if our efforts have worked and if we are able to get pregnant this month. I'm trying not to get my hopes up because the likelihood of this process working on the first try is slim, but what else do I have to look forward to? Although, given our past history without medical help, it's only taken us two months of trying each pregnancy that I've had, so maybe, just maybe, this one will take.

CD9

This is the second time I have stumbled on this site and I have found myself unable to stop reading. It comforts me to know that many, many people struggle with infertility and that my husband and I are not the only ones. I not only feel comforted by reading these very real experiences that you all have been through, but I feel so completely sad too. I struggle every day with feelings of impending doom that I may never carry a child to term and that my husband and I will not be able to experience the joy and bliss of parenthood one day. The road to happiness is sure a rocky one and I hope and pray that God soon paves our way on this rocky road and blesses and our lives with a sweet baby.

Let me fill you in on our past two years of trials and tribulations. Well, first let me date back to six years ago when I got pregnant for the first time. I was in a somewhat stable relationship and found myself one month with such an overwhelming feeling that I was pregnant, (couldn't have been the extrememly sore boobs or the completely non-existent appetite). So, I took a HPT and sure enough, my supsicions were confirmed, pregnant. As this was not planned, I was, well let's say, not overly excited. The scaredness the anxiousness that I felt came and went as quickly as it happened. I found myself spotting and having severe stomach pains and wound up in the emergency room getting prepped for surgery to remove the ectopic pregnancy I was enduring. (yes, it is painful). This first pregnancy for me was a true testament that God is completely in control of our lives and truly does give us blessings in disguise. Even though the pregnancy was short-lived I was still saddened by the outcome. But if it weren't for the "blessing" that God gave to me that year, I wouldn't be where or who I am today without it.

I got married four years after that to, I swear, the best man I could have ever dreamed of. After all our newlywed bliss, we were quick to ditch the birth control and get started growing our family. Little did we know this would be, and still is a long and difficult road. We got pregnant just 2 months after trying and were so very excited. That month I didn't have the feeling of being pregnant but distinctly remember being super emotional. I was on my way home from work the day we found out and BOOM!, a teenage kid, backing out of his driveway, hit the side of my car sending me flying and landing in his yard. I was sobbing like a maniac, as it was the first time I had ever been in any kind of accident. I went to the hospital just to make sure I wasn't injured and they were getting ready to do an x-ray and asked if there was any chance that I might be pregnant, and I said "well, I guess so but I'm pretty sure I'm not." Well, I was way off on this one because I definitely was pregnant! I stayed the night in the hospital and got two ultrasounds the short time I was there and it was confirmed, I had a small sac implanted in my uterus. Everything looked perfect and we were more than excited. Once you have an ectopic pregnancy the chance of that re-occuring is high, so once the doc confirmed that it wasn't happening again, I had no reason not to get excited. Miscarriage had not even crossed my mind and I thought the next eight months were going to be smooth sailing except for the terrible all day sickness I was experiencing. Wrong. Exactly on the eighth week of my pregnancy we got an ultrasound confirming that there was no longer a heartbeat to the fetus that we were trying so hard to grow in my belly. I was dumbfounded. Completely heartbroken and dumbfounded. This started my quest to learning as much as I could about miscarriages and the treatment (if any for them).

After we picked up the pieces of our hearts we tried again and again and again. I had another miscarriage at four weeks several months after the first, then another miscarriage at eight weeks another several months after the second and then yet, another miscarriage just one month ago at four weeks. I have experienced more pregnancies in the last year than some women get to in there whole child-bearing years. The two times the pregnancy made it to the eight week mark we saw and heard very strong heartbeats each time, so even though in all my research when it says that "after a hearbeat is detected, the risk for miscarriage it significantly lowered", it truly doesn't mean that miscarriage can't and won't happen. After this last miscarriage I simply said, "THAT'S IT!". I can't do this anymore. I have had 5 pregnancies total, one ectopic and four miscarriages, two resulting in a D&C and one with laproscopy. We consulted with a RE and after a complete battery of tests on both my husband and I, we have found NOTHING. My RE decided to start me on hormone therapy in the hopes that perhaps by eggs weren't strong enough to sustain a pregnancy that he could help me to grow some super strong ones. That's where we are today, awaiting pregnancy #6. After reading all of these blogs I really don't know what's worse, not being able to get pregnant at all, or being able to get pregnant but not able to carry the pregnancy. Either way, it is the most gut-wrenching, awful experience that we as women should not have to ever have to go through and no matter how much a person can sympathize with you, unless they have walked a mile in your shoes and have experienced everything down to the last bitter detail that you have, they will never truly know how utterly devasting the path of infertility is. So, to every women experiencing fertility, explained or unexplained, there is nothing we can do but pray to the good Lord that he answers our prayers and grants us the sheer joy and pleasure of becoming parents.

Stay tuned, I'll keep you posted on our progress.