7 weeks

So, I had another ultrasound today and so far so good. I'm measuring at 7 weeks, there about the doc says, and the heartbeat was 130. He said that he has seen many many cases and I'm text book. Everything looks perfect and as he called it, he said that we have a "take home baby". He said he would be shocked if we miscarried. I hope he's right. We've seen this all before so I hope the fertility meds, progesterone supplements and the low dose aspirin I've been taking so diligently did the trick. I hope. I pray. Please God keep the good news coming, we've tried so hard. I just commented on someone's post and I suggested to take things just one day at a time, I really should practice what I preach huh? We have another ultrasound scheduled for next Thursday. By that time we will have passed a gigantic milestone for us. So keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

5 weeks 5 days

That's how far along I am, so the doc says. We had our first ultrasound today and all is well, for now. We saw a sac and saw a heartbeat. It was way too early to actually measure the heart rate. I have another u/s scheduled for next Monday and then the Monday after that. My doc said initially that our next u/s would be two weeks from now and I kind of looked at him like, really??? And then he said, "well, if you would feel better, we can do another one next week." I took him up on that offer. I don't know why, I know that there's nothing we can do if this pregnancy decided to go belly up, but call me crazy, I feel better if I'm under as much monitoring as they will give me. There were also two rather large cysts on my left ovary as well. I don't believe the doc measured them, so they must not have been of any concern to him. I have read before that if a cyst burst while pregnant that it could cause you to miscarry. Damn Internet, I should really stop reading all this stuff. I am still not at ease about this pregnancy, we've seen a sac and seen a heartbeat what seems like so many times before. We got good news today and I am truly thankful for that. I just pray that this little heart keeps beating past the eight week hump we can never seem to jump and all the way into labor and delivery. Oh and a sweet little side note, our projected due date is my wedding anniversary, August 19th.

U/S scheduled for Monday

Well, as predicted, there was a huge snow and ice storm here last night into this morning and the roads were treacherous. We did not make it to our ultrasound appointment today. I was a little disappointed but this u/s was just to determine that this pregnancy was not ectopic, which I'm positive it's not. So, they rescheduled me for this Monday and by then too we should be able to see a heartbeat. I've included a pic of what our cars looked like this morning, they were caked with ice and still are. We haven't yet got to park in our garage because we've been working on our remodel and the garage is packed full of all sorts of stuff that was once inside the house. So that sucked but hopefully we'll be able to park in there soon because winter is definitely here.

A little breathing room

Well, I went and got another beta today and my numbers were 7513. I read the results and cried. Cried because I fully expected them to be bad. Cried because for a tiny little moment I felt better. I am in no way shape or form out of the woods but for the rest of this week I can rest a little easier knowing that I had a good increase in hormones. It is so hard on me to continue to get a beta twice a week but I do this because for some reason, I just can't stop doing it. Doesn't make much sense huh? I cannot change whatever the outcome of this pregnancy will be, but that doesn't stop me for obsessing over every little thing about it. I believe this happens only to us infertiles. Normal women who have had no problem conceiving or carrying a child, I believe, don't worry like we do. A smart person once said, "Worrying is like a rocking chair, it will give you something to do but it won't get you anywhere." Don't know who said it but they were so right. We have an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow but we might not make it there. Were supposed to get a really bad storm tonight and we live an hour away from my RE's office. We'll see.

A little peace of mind

I just spoke to the nurse at my doctor's office and she said right away that my numbers looked good and immediately I interjected and said, "Are you sure?". "Are you looking at the right numbers???". She said they almost doubled and they had a decent jump from the last beta so she said, no, she wasn't concerned. And I asked about ectopic and she said they don't see ectopic pregnancies with a high progesterone (39.6) that I had when we first tested. So, I said "ok, if you're not concerned then I'm not concerned." A complete and blaintant lie, but I do feel slightly, and I mean slightly, better. I am still preparing for the worst as I always do and I still can't help but feel that the worst is yet to come but have not completely given up all hope just yet. Almost, but not just yet. Thank you for you kind words of encouragement. It really helps me so much. It makes tough times a little easier to get through.

Keeping it together

Well, I got a beta done again yesterday, it was 3090. Not a good jump from Friday's of 1694. It didn't even double. I just don't know what to think. My doctor's office doesn't open up until 9:00 so I have to wait another hour or so before I can begin stalking them. I'm on unfamiliar ground here. My beta's with our last two miscarriages that lasted eight weeks always more than doubled like they were supposed to. With the chemical pregancies none of them even made it past 1000 and with the ectopic I was in pain the whole time and new that something was happening. The beta's with that one didn't make it past 733. What the heck is happening? I'm really on the verge (?) of breaking down but I just don't know what to make of it all. I really don't think this is an ectopic because I have no pain on either side of my stomach, so hopefully that's not it. It could possibly be I suppose that there were two in there and one died or it could just mean the impending doom that I believe I'm facing yet again for the sixth time. I hope they go ahead and just order and ultrasound for today so atleast we can rule out ectopic. And I hope they order another beta even though I'm not supposed to test again until Thursday. I'm already planning my next move because if I dwell on this too long, I'll lose it. Donor eggs keep popping into my head. This sucks.

Beta at 18 dpo

My beta yesterday was at a 1694. A good jump from four days previous of 349. I thought it would have went higher but it more than doubled, so again, no complaints. It's hard for me to think that this pregnancy is the one that's going to make it. I know I shouldn't be negative and that I should have positive thoughts but I had those thoughts the many times before and it never worked so I guess I can't blame myself for being so discouraged. I pray that it does stick and in eight months we get the baby we've always wanted but I am constantly plagued with feelings of defeat and discouragement. This pregnancy is slightly different from the rest so maybe, just maybe it will work. This is our first pregnancy with an RE and the help of fertility meds. I have been taking a low dose aspirin and folic acid every day for over six months now. I am taking in at least 60 or more ounces of fluids every day with this pregnancy. (which is a lot from me because usually I'm hard pressed to get 20 ounces of anything in me). And, I'm taking progesterone supplements since we found out we were preggers. I hope all of these things combined with the power of prayer do the trick.

Beta is on the Rise

Got my blood drawn again yesterday and my beta is a 349 on 14 dpo. That's excellent. It went from 15 9dpo to 67 11dpo to 349 14 dpo. But alas, the rising beta's aren't my problem. But, it's a good sign so I can't complain really. Saturday my husband and I were playing on our Wii (by the way, so much fun. we got it because it's so interactive) and after a couple of hours of playing we shut it off and Deliver Me was what was on the tv channel. I don't normally watch this show and as we were about to turn it there was a woman on there who said, "well, the sixth time was the charm." That was the title of my last post. So as I'm watching they went through her history and get this, she has had five previous losses which include one ectopic pregnancy. Umm, is this a sign because if I didn't know any better I would have thought that was my history on the tv screen they were talking about. Well, that episode actually gave me some encouragement, to never lose hope. We have a 26 day ultrasound scheduled for the 19th. I hope these weeks fly and take me effortlessly through the first trimester.

Sixth time the charm???

Well, I'm pregnant. Call me crazy, but I've been taking a cheap dollar store pregnancy test since we triggered on the 22nd simply to watch the pregnancy line go from darker to lighter as the hormones from the shot escaped my system. The line was completely gone for one day and then the came back and proceeded to get darker the next days that I took them. I took all these tests because if, in fact, we did get pregnant this cycle I wanted to make sure that when I took a HPT that it was because I was actually pregnant and not leftover hormones. I called my doctor's office 9dpo and requested a beta. They didn't have me scheduled for one until this Monday the 7th but they let me test anyway. My beta was a 15 and progesterone 39.6. It still didn't sink in and we tested again today. Beta was a 67 at 11dpo. It quadrupled. We are still scheduled to get another beta on Monday. Let me recap on our journey thus far.

2002 - Ectopic pregnancy (my first struggle, only a glimpse of the future to come). Laproscopy with D&C.

August 2006 - Got married to my wonderful husband

November 2006 - Went off BCP

January 2007 - started TTC

February 2007 - BFP

March 2007 - Miscarriage at 8 weeks. Had several ultrasounds and beta tests before hand and saw a hearbeat and had good beta numbers the whole way. I was so very sick the whole short-lived pregnancy. I was throwing up at least three times a day and never once considered miscarriage as a possibility. Boy was I wrong. Had a D&C and was told to start trying again in three months.

August 2007 - BFP. First Beta 150. 2nd Beta two days later 233. Not a good sign. Ultrasound shows nothing, next beta numbers drop. Chemical pregnancy.

October 2007 - Had an HSG. Everything looks normal even my right tube where the ectopic occured. (and just a little side note, that whole procedure for me was excrutiatingly painful, thank goodness we only had to do it once).

January 2008 - BFP again. Had beta's done every Tuesday and Thursday since we found out. Numbers rose beautifully. At six weeks had an ultrasound and showed a heartbeat. Is history repeating itself??? Continued to have betas twice weekly. At the eigth week the numbers decreased. Ultrasound detects no heartbeat. Really??? Again??? Had yet another D&C. Heartbroken and discouraged we waited a few cycles and tried again.

March 2008 - Had a gigantic work up for every blood and chromosomal disorder under the sun and everything comes back normal.

May 2008 - Meet with RE. Says we just have bad luck and instructs me to begin taking a low dose aspirin and folic acid every day. I already started the aspirin, sometimes I think I should have been a doctor.

August 2008 - BFP, yes, again. First beta 26, second beta 24. Chemical Pregnancy.

August 2008 - RE says we're not doing this on our own again. He's going to give us some help.

September 2008 - Started first cycle of stims. BFN

October 2008 - Cancelled cycle due to cysts.

November 2008 - Took stims again. IUI on November 24th.

December 2008 - Pregnant.

So as I sit here typing, truly pregnant, I am overwhelmed with sadness. This should be a happy time right? I have learned to not let myself get excited because with every pregnancy has come heartache but we just can't give up. Five times I have been pregnant before and five times I have been left empty and broken. Please do not misunderstand me, I am not sad that I am pregnant, I am sad to what this pregnancy might lead to, another failed attempt to make me whole. So, please do not just yet congratulate me, but pray for me and my husband to carry this little one to term.

I will update more on Monday after our third beta. Thank you all so much for your support. Just knowing that you read my blogs gives me so much encouragement. Pray. Pray. Pray.

IUI and 2ww

Well, we had our IUI on Monday and now we're on to the two weeks wait. I have got to say that the IUI was a complete waste of time, but I hope it works. We got an IUI because the semen analysis my husband had a while back was low so the doc said an IUI would help our chances a little bit more than, you know, doing things the old fashioned way. Well, before the IUI the doc read us our results from the sample my husband not so graciously gave them, and it was off the charts! His results we so good the doc said that it wasn't necessary that we get the insemination but seeing as how I was already on the table half undressed and feet in stirrups, we went ahead with the appointment anyway. This doc was not my usual RE so it was nice to hear another opinion about our situation. He basically said the same thing my RE said, but emphasized that he believes it's the quality of my eggs that's holding us back from carrying a child to term. So he said, if this doesn't work this time, we're gonna overload me on the stims and get a good three to four eggs out of me. The last two cycles I've only have one good egg. One!?! Really?!? All those meds and I come out no better than I would on my own. And whilst searching the internet as I so frequently do, I read that a high protein diet helps eggs grow better. So, not only will we increase the stims next time but I will be loading up on anything that's high in protein. Hey, whatever works right?

Finally Cycle #2 is Underway!!!!

Had and ultrasound today and it showed no cysts! Thank the Lord!!! I was so concerned that those little slimeballs were still going to be there, but they weren't. Instead they were replaced with three nice looking follicles. So tonight we get to start the shots again. I never thought I would be happy to get stuck with a needle, but hey, the older I get and the more intertwined we are with this infertility stuff, happiness has a whole new meaning. I go to the doc on Wednesday to see if the stims are working as they should and we'll go from there. We're going to get an IUI this time, husband's not so happy about that but whether he's happy or not, we're getting it done. He gets a little, well, let's say gun shy, with things like that. I have a better outlook on this cycle. I'm hoping the doctor lets me go a little longer before we take the trigger shot. The more mature those eggs get the better right???

BFN

So, my husband and I tried this month on our own as instructed and given our past history, I thought for sure we'd get pregnant this time. Well, my boobs got really sore and I was pretty tired so I decided to call my dr.'s office and request that I get my beta tested. Yep, BFN. Really??? You know, it all makes sense. Every time I think I am, I'm not, every time I think I'm not I am. I should have known. Silly me. Guess we'll try again next time. Hopefully those ridiculous cysts have disappeared and we can get more stims. We'll see.

Cysts, really???

Well, I didn't expect this one and I don't know why not, but I had an ultrasound done on Friday of last week to get a baseline for my follicle size and how many and all that good jazz and instead of finding follicles they found three large cysts. Two on the right and one on the left. This did not even cross my mind that cysts are a huge possibility, especially when taking stimulants. So, be that as it may, I have to sit this cycle out, however, the nurse said to "try" on our own because I have residual medicine left in my system. So, I guess we'll try but I don't know what good it's going to do. I need stronger eggs and can't get that without the meds so I don't know why we're going to try this month but I guess we are. It all goes back to praying that God let's the next pregnancy to come make it full term. Please God, please. My nerves are frazzled and my heart keeps breaking into a million pieces. I can't take much more.

On to cycle #2

Well, the first rounds of meds didn't work. The evil wench known as Aunt Flo came right on schedule and completely, excuse my french, pissed me off for the whole day. I was so angry and sad all together. It was a terrible day. I really have to say I was completely shocked that it came because I thought we would have got pregnant on our first try. What the heck??? Did I really think it was going to work like that? Apparently so. Well now on to cycle number two. I have an ultrasound tomorrow and start the meds again that day too. Also I asked my doc about testing the level of my natural killer cells? anyone heard of them? apparently not so common because my doctor didn't know what I was talking about. Either way, I hope he does some research and orders the test. I'm just grabbing at straws probably but it never hurts to try. Well, here we go again, I thought i was ready for the long haul through all this but with every blow it just knocks me down again.

2 days past trigger shot

So, my boobs are hurting from the trigger shot that I got the other day and have had some pretty decent cramps due to the impending ovulation I'm sure, other than that, can't complain. I've decided to take an inexpensive pregnancy test each day so I can notice the decline in the pregnancy hormone, that way, if I do become pregnant this month, I'll know and not just think that it's the hormone left in me from the trigger shot. Crazy, a little, but I think you become a little crazy when you deal with all this infertility stuff. I tell you, if I could draw my own blood and have my own medical lab, I'd be running all sorts of tests all the time. Maybe I missed my calling???

Trigger Shot

Well, got my trigger shot yesterday and took an ovulation test and sure enough, it shows that i'm ovulating, (well I will sometime in the next 36 - 48 hours, so says the test). As ovulation has not been an issue with us, I'm sure that these eggs that I've been so diligently growing will release soon enough. Now whether we can fertilize these eggs is another story. The shot wasn't too bad, I was very concerned because I had heard that it hurt to get by many people, but I guess everyone's different. And really, was I that concerned about it hurting??? If I really was than I shouldn't have been because I've been proked and prodded so much that a little needle isn't going to break me. I guess now all we have to do is wait and see if our efforts have worked and if we are able to get pregnant this month. I'm trying not to get my hopes up because the likelihood of this process working on the first try is slim, but what else do I have to look forward to? Although, given our past history without medical help, it's only taken us two months of trying each pregnancy that I've had, so maybe, just maybe, this one will take.

CD9

This is the second time I have stumbled on this site and I have found myself unable to stop reading. It comforts me to know that many, many people struggle with infertility and that my husband and I are not the only ones. I not only feel comforted by reading these very real experiences that you all have been through, but I feel so completely sad too. I struggle every day with feelings of impending doom that I may never carry a child to term and that my husband and I will not be able to experience the joy and bliss of parenthood one day. The road to happiness is sure a rocky one and I hope and pray that God soon paves our way on this rocky road and blesses and our lives with a sweet baby.

Let me fill you in on our past two years of trials and tribulations. Well, first let me date back to six years ago when I got pregnant for the first time. I was in a somewhat stable relationship and found myself one month with such an overwhelming feeling that I was pregnant, (couldn't have been the extrememly sore boobs or the completely non-existent appetite). So, I took a HPT and sure enough, my supsicions were confirmed, pregnant. As this was not planned, I was, well let's say, not overly excited. The scaredness the anxiousness that I felt came and went as quickly as it happened. I found myself spotting and having severe stomach pains and wound up in the emergency room getting prepped for surgery to remove the ectopic pregnancy I was enduring. (yes, it is painful). This first pregnancy for me was a true testament that God is completely in control of our lives and truly does give us blessings in disguise. Even though the pregnancy was short-lived I was still saddened by the outcome. But if it weren't for the "blessing" that God gave to me that year, I wouldn't be where or who I am today without it.

I got married four years after that to, I swear, the best man I could have ever dreamed of. After all our newlywed bliss, we were quick to ditch the birth control and get started growing our family. Little did we know this would be, and still is a long and difficult road. We got pregnant just 2 months after trying and were so very excited. That month I didn't have the feeling of being pregnant but distinctly remember being super emotional. I was on my way home from work the day we found out and BOOM!, a teenage kid, backing out of his driveway, hit the side of my car sending me flying and landing in his yard. I was sobbing like a maniac, as it was the first time I had ever been in any kind of accident. I went to the hospital just to make sure I wasn't injured and they were getting ready to do an x-ray and asked if there was any chance that I might be pregnant, and I said "well, I guess so but I'm pretty sure I'm not." Well, I was way off on this one because I definitely was pregnant! I stayed the night in the hospital and got two ultrasounds the short time I was there and it was confirmed, I had a small sac implanted in my uterus. Everything looked perfect and we were more than excited. Once you have an ectopic pregnancy the chance of that re-occuring is high, so once the doc confirmed that it wasn't happening again, I had no reason not to get excited. Miscarriage had not even crossed my mind and I thought the next eight months were going to be smooth sailing except for the terrible all day sickness I was experiencing. Wrong. Exactly on the eighth week of my pregnancy we got an ultrasound confirming that there was no longer a heartbeat to the fetus that we were trying so hard to grow in my belly. I was dumbfounded. Completely heartbroken and dumbfounded. This started my quest to learning as much as I could about miscarriages and the treatment (if any for them).

After we picked up the pieces of our hearts we tried again and again and again. I had another miscarriage at four weeks several months after the first, then another miscarriage at eight weeks another several months after the second and then yet, another miscarriage just one month ago at four weeks. I have experienced more pregnancies in the last year than some women get to in there whole child-bearing years. The two times the pregnancy made it to the eight week mark we saw and heard very strong heartbeats each time, so even though in all my research when it says that "after a hearbeat is detected, the risk for miscarriage it significantly lowered", it truly doesn't mean that miscarriage can't and won't happen. After this last miscarriage I simply said, "THAT'S IT!". I can't do this anymore. I have had 5 pregnancies total, one ectopic and four miscarriages, two resulting in a D&C and one with laproscopy. We consulted with a RE and after a complete battery of tests on both my husband and I, we have found NOTHING. My RE decided to start me on hormone therapy in the hopes that perhaps by eggs weren't strong enough to sustain a pregnancy that he could help me to grow some super strong ones. That's where we are today, awaiting pregnancy #6. After reading all of these blogs I really don't know what's worse, not being able to get pregnant at all, or being able to get pregnant but not able to carry the pregnancy. Either way, it is the most gut-wrenching, awful experience that we as women should not have to ever have to go through and no matter how much a person can sympathize with you, unless they have walked a mile in your shoes and have experienced everything down to the last bitter detail that you have, they will never truly know how utterly devasting the path of infertility is. So, to every women experiencing fertility, explained or unexplained, there is nothing we can do but pray to the good Lord that he answers our prayers and grants us the sheer joy and pleasure of becoming parents.

Stay tuned, I'll keep you posted on our progress.